


Marinette's Miraculous Monkeypox

by Cornonjacob



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: F/M, monkey with a gun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2018-10-17 14:36:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10596045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cornonjacob/pseuds/Cornonjacob
Summary: Originally published on FFLadybug and Cat Noir need to deal with some monkey business and it's pretty serious stuff





	1. Hawkmoth Leaves the Stove On

"Oh my God, I just lost my job, found out my wife has been cheating on me with my best friend, and stubbed my toe on this door! Fuck my life! Fuck Paris! Fuck everything!" A particularly angry and misfortunate man screamed in public, before Lieutenant Roger tackled him and beat his ass for disturbing the public and being a loser.

"Hmm, this looks promising." Hawkmoth mused, quickly hiding his laptop with the erotic visual novel he was playing, and standing up before the window in his dark butterfly room opened. He had to look cool at all costs.

One of the many petit papillons flew into his hand, and he charged it with his brooding and edgy thoughts.

"Show him what for it mean to be, super sand lesbian." He directed, and so the butterfly flew away and the window closed.

The akuma landed on its target, a crying little monkey who had dropped his ice cream because Chloe had startled him, and whose zookeeper refused to buy him another. The zookeeper, Otis, was far too busy fornicating with his panther, who is indeed faster than Kim, in more ways than one or perhaps even two.

"Hello, Furious George, I am Hawkmoth. Are you tired of throwing your own shit at people when what you truly want to throw is your life? Do you have problems with not being able to beat the arrogance out of children tapping the glass? Do you like ice cream? Introducing the new evilization, with increases in strength, speed, and sentience, and for just the price of the Miraculouses of Ladybug and Cat Noir. Call now and I'll even throw in this free gun." Hawkmoth advertised in infomercial format that even a monkey could understand.

The gross purple stuff enveloped the simian and transformed him. He looked exactly the same, except angrier and with a gun in his hand.

Furious George screeched in response, shot out the lock on the door to his enclosure with his new revolver, and escaped the zoo, but not before punching a zoo attendant in the face.

At school, both Adrien and Marinette stood up suddenly and declared that they both had to go to the bathroom, and simultaneously rushed outside.

"Not this shit again." Everyone else in Miss Bustier's class thought to themselves, except for sweet little tomato-chan Nathanaël, who seemed aroused by the thought of Marinette and Adrien enjoying a quickie in the women's bathroom, which is probably far more clean than the men's lavatories. He only hoped that Miss Bustier would not catch him drawing porn in class again.

"Tikki, transform me!" Marinette ordered, and Tikki did, generating the skintight spandex around her charge whilst she did a cool hero pose, as if she were about to call out her Stand or something. In another area, Adrien did the same thing, except it took longer and involved cheese because Plagg was being a useless piece of lazy ass shit again.

Ladybug and Cat Noir ran into each other as they were exiting the building, neither questioning the identity of the other or these reoccurring coincidences as usual. They found Furious George robbing Chloe of the ice cream she had at gunpoint.

Both the heroes died inside a little more as they realized they would have to save the worst human being on the planet yet again, and rushed at the akumatized monkey, but not before he shot a hole into Chloe's foot and ran off with the frozen treat.

As Chloe screamed in cathartic (at least for everyone else) agony, the two superheroes realized that they would be facing the most powerful supervillain power of all, the modern firearm.

"Cat Noir, please be safe, don't do anything reckless, okay?" Ladybug said, pulling her partner close and expressing tender concern. Cat Noir appeared to be paying attention and reciprocating Ladybug's worry for their safety, but he was actually mortified and desperately trying to hide his boner while his crush had her hands on his shoulders.

They leaped and swung across the buildings, away into the city as the police arrived, ready to waste valuable tax dollars on taking Chloe to the hospital and treating her. As the heroes disappeared into the city, ready to confront their foe, Alya had managed to catch some choice shots on her camera of the Ladybooty and Catbutt for her new NSFW blog. Her meth addiction wasn't going to pay for itself, after all.

In the distance, the heroes could hear Furious George shooting at random, bellowing in rage, and vomiting so hard like the world's fattest raccoon getting kicked in the dick by an Australian with high blood pressure. The ice cream the mad monkey had stolen from Chloe was like acid in his mouth, absolute sacrilegious ass droppings, it was gluten free, nonfat, sugar free, synthetic vanilla bullshit, and George would not stand for this mockery. So he sat down. Then he screamed some more.

"I guess he's going bananas, m'lady?" Cat Noir smugly asked, making Ladybug's aneurysm a little bigger.

It was time for the ultimate showdown to begin, and all of Paris would suffer.

To be continued


	2. George Goes Ham

Ladybug and Cat Noir discreetly approached Furious George from behind. He did not know he was about to be attacked, and his horrid ice cream induced diarrhea gave the bench he was sitting and shitting on a new paint job, masking the sound of his enemies' footsteps.

The heroes were so close now, in a few more steps, one of them would be able to grab and break the gun, undoing Hawkmoth's ambitions until someone else in Paris got sort of pissed. In just a couple of steps now, they could do it.

"Eww, the bench stinks, m'lady, I bet it's because he's going "apeshit" on it!" Cat Noir very loudly and obnoxiously joked as if he was fucking funny.

Furious George screeched in response, backflipped of the bench, and fired shots at Cat Noir for hurting his ears. Ladybug dragged her partner out of the way and they performed all sorts of acrobatics to dodge the bullets, akin to a small troupe of anthromorphic grapes becoming trapezists in a tough economy to earn enough money to pay the debts they owe to the fruit mafia, who threaten to turn their loved ones to wine. The problem was that one of the grapes had sustained an injury to their fruity foot, yet had no choice but to continue in order to save their family, and the rest of the troupe had no choice but to accept it as they had no way to replace him. In a cruel twist of fate, so much delicious juice bled out of the wound in the middle of a show, blinding one performer and lubricating the trapeze bar that another was gripping, leading to a terrible accident that took the lives of the entire troupe. Because the acrobats were now dead and unable pay off the debts to the mob, their properties were seized and their loved ones were sold into slavery, bought by rich and powerful businessmen from the Pineapple Republic, to be used for backbreaking labor or prostitution until the end of their lives, which they would not have to wait long for, in the terrible and unsanitary working conditions they would now endure.

With great skill and no small portion of luck, both heroes avoided the projectiles and took cover around a building.

Ladybug finally did what she wanted to all these years and punched Cat Noir's baloney pony so hard that he saw spots that were not on his partners costume.

"W-w-why would y-you do that, m'lady?" Cat Noir asked in between his high pitched sobs and pained wheezing.

"Say m'lady again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say m'lady one more God damned time! Every day, every fucking day, I have to put up with your bullshit! For one second, can your stupid, worthless ass take this hero business seriously!? If I hear one more pun, one more steaming pile of horseshit coming out of your mouth, one more flying fuck up that helps the villain, and I swear to God, I will chop your hand off while it's doing your 「Cataclysm」 crap, and neuter you with it! Are we FUCKING clear!?" Ladybug ranted in outraged catharsis.

It was uncharacteristic to see Cat Noir reduced to a sobbing, blubbering wreck, and even more unusual to see a sweet girl such as Marinette reach her breaking point. Their friendship or courtship, whatever one would call it, had just been severely damaged, and it was unclear if it would ever recover. But none of that really matters because you probably read the above paragraph in Marinette's voice and it was hilarious.

Ladybug turned around, prepared to confront Furious George by herself. She promptly fell down an open manhole that had been there the whole time. Her screams of despair echoed off the walls of the sewer, slowly fading away, and gave Cat Noir a sad boner that would last at least for 4 hours against his will.

He almost got shot as he was reaching weakly for the manhole. Seeing Furious George reloading and so close to him now, Cat Noir realized he had no cover to protect him, and no option but to follow his partner into the Paris poo-poo palace, or die from assorted gunshot wounds and be used as a tool for politicians to argue over firearms.

Furious George moved the manhole cap back in place. The last thing Cat Noir heard before he became engulfed in darkness and descended into the shit fondue, was the enraged and bestial roars of the ice cream deprived monkey with a gun.

And the worst part was that he still had a raging stiffy.

To be continued


	3. Something Funny

The echoes of fearful screaming reverberated down the unrealistically spacious sewage tunnels, emanating from the lame half of the superheroes of Paris. Cat Noir was subjected to a state of worry and anxiety over the whereabouts of the cool half of his partnership, and encumbered with fear and disgust for the sewer. Even so, his cries were tinged with bravery and determination as he plummeted, ready to rescue his friend. Unfortunately, the unnecessarily confusing and maze-like structure of this hellhole distorted Adrien's outburst, modifying it to become the depraved braying of a donkey expanding his sphincter with freshly harvested carrots arranged in alphabetical order. Any positive qualities of his screeching were erased in the process, making the entire emotional expression rather pointless.

Fortunately for Adrien and the fate of Paris, his fall was broken by a pile of dead, uninspired original characters, who had also been thrown into the sewers because they're shit. Thanks to his night vision, the cat boy could see what he had landed on very well in the darkness, and it hurt his eyes because the entire color scheme of the pile of dead guys was edgy black and tryhard red.

"Cataclysm!" Cat Noir shouted and activated his power to brutally end the existence of anything he touches, wasting it on the mound of creative refuse that had saved him from falling and breaking every bone in his body. Within a minute, Adrien's ring had run out of power, and he reverted back to an abnormally handsome high school student, and Plagg reverted back to a flying turd.

"Adrien, please, fucking feed me. I'm exhausted, and I'm hungry, and I'm exungry, and I'm hungsted, and I want to dip Tikki in cheese fondue and lick it all off her body, and if I don't get the camembert, I won't have power to help you," Le petit merde whined incessantly, like a little shit who 「pleure sans cesse」.

"Hold up! What was that last part?" Questioned Adrien, horrified yet fascinated.

"If I don't get the camembert, I won't have power to help you," Plagg answered confidently and firmly, as if he was an American politician claiming he did not have sexual relations with 「that」 woman.

And that is why Adrien spent the next 5 and a half hours holding Plagg underneath the river of sewage until they got lucky and a nice hunk of cheese floated into the kwami's mouth before he starved to death.

Plagg could now empower Adrien again with the energy provided from the quite ripe piece of cheese, and assuming that Plagg can expand his mouth open to about 6 inches in diameter and had swallowed all of the matter that passed into it during the time elapsed, at least 137,000 liters of raw sewage as well. Aside from Adrien's general incompetence, nothing could stop them now.

"Plagg, why does my suit reek?" Adrien questioned Plagg, like some kind of idiot who can smell but not utilize critical thought.

"Beats the shit out of me," the cat kwami replied, similar to a sort of moron whose olfaction is functioning properly but is unable to properly compose quick and rational conclusions.

That was when a seemingly terrified and feminine screaming was heard by Cat Noir, further down the sewer. The distress was clearly faked, but he could not tell the difference, even if his ears were not clogged with crap. He ran as fast as his legs could carry him. To his credit, he was pretty fast.

He arrived at the source of the sound, a large open space, and his heart jumped in joy upon seeing Ladybug on the left side. Before he was about to dash for her, she shrieked again.

"Oh no! The sewer tentacle monster is going to ravish me!" She cried out, causing Adrien to actually pay attention to his surroundings, and notice the blobby tentacle monster on the right side. It had many tentacles that ended in inexplicably blurry tips, and its face vaguely resembled Adrien's, complete with a few banana peels simulating hair, that someone had deliberately placed on it.

The thing knocked one of the banana peels off its head, then kind of just sat there. Even Adrien could easily tell this bizarre entity was not a threat, as no 「MENACING」 ゴゴゴゴゴゴゴ characters were floating around it.

"Shit, come on!" Marinette thought to herself, "This is the closest I'm ever going to get to the dream I've had since Adrien succeeded in disproving my first impression that he was a total dick and Chloe's boy toy."

Ladybug used a stick that had been floating down the drain to poke at the monster's head, trying to provoke it. The tactic worked, as she had accidentally shoved the stick up one of its nostrils, and it reflexively punched her in the masked face with one of its appendages.

"M'LADY!11!" Cat Noir screamed in exaggerated and righteous rage, doing one of those instant speed flash step things they do in those Japanese animes and appearing behind the monster.

If the creature was intelligent and could speak, this would be the part where it goes, "M-MASAKA! IMPOSSIBLE, HE'S FAST."

Kitty dude slapped his foe with a Cataclysm attack, sending it to the exile zone. Unfortunately, he also touched the wall behind it, creating a great structural instability and causing almost the entire sewer system of Paris to begin to crumble.

"It's OK, Ladybug will just magically fix everything later like she always does. Even the people. Not even Crazy Diamond can do that," he thought to himself, as his polka-dot partner grabbed him, and used her yoyo to pull them up to the surface, before the whole thing collapsed, destroying much of the city above. However, this is a children's show, so somehow, nobody actually died.

"Ladybug, I'm sorry for being so useless, I just, I'm so frustrated sometimes that you're too good for me and I feel like I don't do enough for you. Please forgive me." Cat Noir apologized from the heart, tears streaming down and partially cleaning his shit stained face.

"Oh Noir, I've already forgiven you during those several hours being stuck down there. We can talk about it later, but we've got a villain to fight, and you've got a kwami to feed." Ladybug stated, prompting Adrien to realize he was about to run out of energy again and run off to find some nutrition for Plagg.

Cat Noir bolted into the subway tunnel that both heroes usually use to switch identities, forcefully transforming back to normal at the last second.

He realized he had made a terrible mistake. Normally, he would be able to exit the other side, and nobody would realize his secret identity. But the untold destruction he had wreaked in the sewers had caused the exit to cave in. With the way he had come in being the only exit, there was now no way for him to leave without Ladybug seeing him, and there was no food down there for him to transform back with.

"Adrien, I don't have a choice...I'm starving..." Plagg gasped, before tearing off the boy's dirty jeans with his teeth, and crawling up to his crotch.

"Plagg? What are you doing?" Adrien asked, before the kwami engulfed his pelvic area with his maw.

Marinette could only hear cries of protest that slowly melted into those of ecstasy, before seeing Cat Noir return from the tunnel. He looked as if he could not decide whether to be traumatized or satisfied, and he appeared to be limping mysteriously, but she had more important things to deal with than Cat Noir's strange behavior.

To be continued


	4. The Furious Finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Furious George fucking eats it

"Ha ha," Cat Noir guffawed like the Whore of Babylon, "When we catch up to Furious George, I am going to spank the monkey! No wait, I meant I'll give him a banana to peel! Damn it, what I was trying to say is that two can play with guns and that I'll blow my load on his face! Fuck! I'm saying that milady and I could engage in some monkey business in bed? MOTHERFUCKER!" He aggressively yet futiley punned as he was still thinking about the amazingly tight and moist fellatio that that he may or may not have received, in which the gluttonous Plagg had feasted on a different kind of cheese finished with a discharge of queso blanco dip.

Unfortunately, the duo passed a「very large」 billboard featuring Adrien jumping for joy at the beach which would have been fairly innocuous and certainly nothing unusual for a public advertisement, had the boy not been exposing a lightly puckered yet moisturized Agreste armpit, which happened to be Marinette's very specific and frankly foul fetish. At this moment, Ladybug could feel the symptoms of her extreme thirst such as a dry mouth, dizziness, and a decreased and more yellow urine output. To her credit, she was expending a mighty effort to run in her sudden state of dehydration. It was incredible that she could even keep moving.

Ladybug collapsed and fell off a building, crashing into a parked car and hurting her back like that one scene from the 2004 film Spider-Man 2, when Peter Parker jumps off a building like some kind of moron, crashing into a car and hurting his back. It was almost exactly like that, so you know it was really funny.

Seeing the love of his life downed, Cat Noir began to cry either from distress at Ladybug's suffering or because he's an asshole who wastes his body fluids on tears when his partner is running dangerously low on hers. Just when all hope seemed lost, a female alligator shuffled by. In a feverish haze, Ladybug managed to grip her and suckle on one of her many nipples, hydrating herself and replenishing her electrolytes with Gatorade fresh from the mammaries. Unsteadily yet with determination, she stood up and punted the reptile into a nearby dumpster fire.

"Cat Noir! We need to see Master Fu so he can make more bulletproof Kwami potions! We used it all up on you last week against Rogercop 2.0 because he thought you were Black!" Ladybug bellowed with much verbosity.

"OK! XD!" Cat Noir answered with the loudness, caught up in the excitement and shooting big noise out of his face hole. He ran and ran and ran after Ladybug, who had started running in a direction that was hopefully leading to Master Fu. As he moved further from the ruined city of Paris, he could feel the absence of God abating, as if he was basking further in His light. Purity embraced the boy hero with tenderness, blotting out the sins of the past and the sins of his father. And he ran some more. He was forgiven for his lustful feelings towards his partner, for his resentment towards his father, and for somehow verbalizing an XD. The One above is great, for He is a loving and almighty deity. Omnipotent, and whose descriptions are excellent at distracting whoever is reading this from noticing that the pair had arrived at Master Fu's massage shop.

Ladybug strode up to the front and tore the doorbell straight out of the building, before knocking very hard on the door with it and screaming, "Hewwo!? HEWWO!?"

「它是什么？」 Master Fu answered.

"Pwease Mastah Fu, we need you to make mowre buwwetpwoof powtions, pwease save us, we downt wanna die!"

(AN: This is probably a good time to mention that this is actually an Alternate Universe genre fanfiction. This AU is one that is exactly the same as the canon universe of Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug & Cat Noir except Marinette can understand much Chinese but not speak it. I wrote this universe so I could relate more closely to Marinette because I'm Chinese and can understand much Chinese but not speak it.)

"I'll do anything fow you Mastah Fu pwease hewp," Ladybug continued speaking like a shithead.

「任何事？」 He asked in response.

"Anything for you Mastah Fu :3," She affirmed, making a cat face which was normally Cat Noir's job.

「Then perish.」

「Marinette's POV」

"Wow, this really sucks," I said, upset that I displeased Master Fu and did not get the potions.

「My POV as the narrator」

Dismayed at her failure to procure the potions and that she had offended Master Fu, Ladybug trudged away with Cat Noir to confront Furious George without them. It was their duty to protect Paris, whether they were adequately prepared to or not. Also on the way further into the city, the two saw Kim with Ondine, and thought not a word was exchanged, their hearts warmed at the sight as did mine knowing that Kim's completely awful taste in women had finally been rectified. And over on the far right were Juleka and Rose, making a fresh batch of methamphetamine to sell to Alya later. They were doing a very good job working together and producing the drug. One could say they had great chemistry with each other.

This short lived peace was broken by the sound of enraged monkey screeches and gunfire, heralding the arrival of Furious George himself as he jumped off a building and landed on a car, except unlike the crimson costumed bug themed superheroes Spiderman and Ladybug, he did it without hurting his back and it wasn't funny. Nevermind, I lied a little bit. It was an angry monkey making noise, shooting a gun, and jumping onto a car from a roof. It was hilarious.

"I'm gay!" Furious George furiously came out, apparently having learned to speak English.

「我是同性恋！」 And Chinese too.

As the shooter simian leveled his weapon at the crimefighters, Ladybug only had an instant to react.

"Lucky Charm!" She shouted, invoking her ultimate power. The prerecorded cutscene with her yo-yo played, freezing time for everyone except her. This was an ingenious move. By exploiting game mechanics and triggering a cutscene with her Ultimate during Furious George's attack animation frame, she was able to cancel out his attack. She definitely would not be hitting a new akuma speedrun record, but it would do.

The object covered in Ladybug's signature color scheme that would be key to defeating this villain fell into her hands. It was Mossberg 500 pump action shotgun.

Thinking fast, Furious George open fired on Ladybug, hoping to take her out first only to find the bullets swerve away from her. He did not understand, his aim was perfect and Ladybug had not made a move yet. The monkey peered behind her and saw Cat Noir invoking the power of God with his hands pressed together and his eyes closed, muttering something he could not hear. His heart was ensnared with fear, realizing that Ladybug was being protected from guns by 「Thoughts」 and 「Prayers」. With her superior firepower from her bigger gun, she shot Furious George, killing him instantly. The black butterfly fluttered out of the carcass.

"No more evil-doing for you, little akuma! Time to de-evilize!" She shouted, catching the source of the evil. Then she said more of her usual lines and threw the shotgun into the air where it exploded, making like Crazy Diamond on the city of Paris. This part is boring so I'm just going to skip to Hawkmoth's villainous and frustrated failure line.

"Well fuck you Ladybug and Cat Noir," he declared with maximum edgeitude.

To not be continued


End file.
